Esta incomodidad se está volviendo insoportable.
Me siento ajena a todo y a todos. A mi misma también. Todo se siente distante.
"Valiendo verga" nunca fue más adecuado.
domingo, 27 de marzo de 2011
martes, 15 de marzo de 2011
Coming clean
So the bad news just kept coming and coming. Now that I look at it from the distance, it doesn't seem that big, but three weeks ago, I was overwhelmed. The thing was, I didn't really feel like talking about it with anyone, so I was anxious and worried all the time. Then I got to talk to some friends, and I felt better, but I was still deeply concerned about how things would end.
One saturday afternoon, my parents told me they wanted to talk to me, and I could imagine what the subject was going to be.
At first we were all tense, but as I kept talking openly about my permanent depression, my constant use of marihuana, my eternal low self esteem and so on, I felt liberated. It was so weird to be so honest about such personal issues, and even weirder, to share them with your parents. The best thing was they acted like the best parents in the world. They cared more about me going back to therapy and stuff than about me quitting. But they didn't have to, you know? because I had quit like a week and a half before that. I love smoking pot, I'm not gonna lie, but I think it had become like a sedative to me, since I smoked it every day to kill stress and pressure. I was starting to forget things, I got lazy and I also gained weight because of the munchies. Everything around me had something to do with 420. And now that I haven't smoked for like a month, I feel fine. It's not like it has changed my life forever, but I definitely thing this is not a good time for me to be smoking. And not only because of the lack of motivation and the loss of my short term memory, but also because of my health.
Now, if I feel numb, it's because that's my natural state, not because of me using external factors.
I guess going back to therapy could be really useful right now, I'm also working on it. But I don't know, I can't help to think I'm always going to need help to feel at peace. I wish I could find out what's wrong with me, in the deepest layers of my mind or whatever. Why do I always feel sad? Why do I think my life is so fucking boring?
One saturday afternoon, my parents told me they wanted to talk to me, and I could imagine what the subject was going to be.
At first we were all tense, but as I kept talking openly about my permanent depression, my constant use of marihuana, my eternal low self esteem and so on, I felt liberated. It was so weird to be so honest about such personal issues, and even weirder, to share them with your parents. The best thing was they acted like the best parents in the world. They cared more about me going back to therapy and stuff than about me quitting. But they didn't have to, you know? because I had quit like a week and a half before that. I love smoking pot, I'm not gonna lie, but I think it had become like a sedative to me, since I smoked it every day to kill stress and pressure. I was starting to forget things, I got lazy and I also gained weight because of the munchies. Everything around me had something to do with 420. And now that I haven't smoked for like a month, I feel fine. It's not like it has changed my life forever, but I definitely thing this is not a good time for me to be smoking. And not only because of the lack of motivation and the loss of my short term memory, but also because of my health.
Now, if I feel numb, it's because that's my natural state, not because of me using external factors.
I guess going back to therapy could be really useful right now, I'm also working on it. But I don't know, I can't help to think I'm always going to need help to feel at peace. I wish I could find out what's wrong with me, in the deepest layers of my mind or whatever. Why do I always feel sad? Why do I think my life is so fucking boring?
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